Study after study shows that self-criticism is consistently associated with less motivation and worse self-control. It is also one of the single biggest predictors of depression, which drains both “I will” power and “I want” power. In Contrast, self-compassion – being supportive and kind to yourself, especially in the face of stress and failure – is associated with more motivation and better self-control.
Surprisingly, it’s forgiveness, not guilt that increases accountability. Researchers have found that taking a self-compassionate point of view on a personal failure makes people more likely to take personal responsibility for the failure than when they take a self-critical point of view. They are also more willing to receive feedback and advice from others, and more likely to learn from the experience.
On the other hand, if you view your setbacks as evidence that you are a hopeless loser who screws everything up, thinking about your failure is a miserable exercise in self-hate. Your most urgent goal will be to soothe those feelings, not learn from your experience…. Like other forms of stress, it drives you straight to comfort coping, whether that’s drowning your sorrows at the nearest bar, or lifting your spirits with a Visa-sponsored shopping spree.
Excerpt from The Will Power Instinct by Kelly McGonigal
Learn to become your own best friend. Don’t become your worst enemy. The next time you make a mistake or feel stressed, see if you can talk to yourself like you would to a close friend who is going through a tough time. Put your right hand on your heart and breathe slowly with the pain as you say comforting words. Try not to judge why you feel the way you do. All that matters is that it hurts or it’s uncomfortable. It needs to be tended to. Do this, until you feel calm and comforted. You may need to repeat this at various times, until the pain or stress caused by that incident is laid to rest.